Scooby Dooby Do Me!

My assignment is late this week. More a refresher for tomorrow than a recap from Thursday, really.

I'd give you a big song and dance about the why's and the wherefore's, but let's face it: You wouldn't care.

Plus even if I gave you documented proof, you'd never believe I was abducted by a tribe of Amazonian aliens to use as breeding stock.

It's been a rough week.

Having this week's episode of Lost start with what looks like a return to the John Locke of season 2 didn't help. Locke wakes up and starts a little egg and melon breakfast, just like a good little Hatch-Wife. He takes a book off the shelf and heads out to deliver breakfast.

(*Thankfully interesting book choice sidenote: Valis by Philip K. Dick is a science fiction book that deals with spirituality and artificial environments. I haven't read it (PKD is the guy who wrote “Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep” which became the movie Blade Runner. He writes trippy sci-fi that isn't my cup of tea.) but the wiki article on it makes for some interesting reading. Particularly the description of the element of the “Black Iron Prison” which I'll steal:

“Once, in a cheap science fiction novel, Fat had come across a perfect description of the Black Iron Prison, but set in the far future. So if you superimposed the past (ancient Rome) over the present (California in the twentieth century) and superimposed the far future world of The Android Cried Me a River over that, you got the Empire, as the supra- or trans-temporal constant. Everyone who had ever lived was literally surrounded by the iron walls of the prison; they were all inside it and none of them knew it.”

Sound familiar?)

Now, back to the re-emasculation of John Locke.

He takes breakfast and the book to none other than Ben, once again locked in a room and ready to bake old Johnny's noodle. Locke really should know by now that having Ben locked in a room is FAR more dangerous than dragging him around in the jungle. We may have a recent picture of Ben working in a Vet's office or some sort of laboratory facility, but there is little doubt that he's a master manipulator and well versed in psychology. He has Locke's number and isn't afraid to push his bald buttons.

He starts by rejecting the copy of Valis that Locke brings him to pass the time. When Locke suggests that he might catch something he missed the first time through the book, Ben ignores the suggestion, subtly conveying his confidence in his own mind. Ben isn't the type to miss anything.

When Locke asks Ben to share the name of the spy Ben claims to have on Miles' ship, Ben switches gears and turns the conversation to Locke's desperate search for direction.

“You're so desperate to figure out what to do next, you're even asking me for help. So, here we are, just like old times. Except I'm locked in a different room and you're more lost than you ever were.”

I'm sure everyone out there noted the slight over emphasis on the word “Lost” in Ben's delivery. It was pointed out that I was wrong in thinking that the writers hadn't used the “L” word prior to this season, but even though they've let other characters use the word, they've never had one use it quite as pointedly.

Instead of the standard beating of the bug-eyed one, Locke simply snaps up the tray with Ben's breakfast on it and shuts his prisoner back into the dark. Just when I start thinking that perhaps I was wrong and Locke isn't reverting to his Hatch-wife persona, he takes a few steps and slams the tray against the wall in a fit of frustration. Of course, Ben hears the shattering dishes and allows himself a satisfied eyebrow twitch.

Have I mentioned I really HATED the season two Locke?

It's my sincere hope that Locke is trying to play Ben against himself by pretending to be frustrated, but I just don't see the writers heading that direction. I'd love it if they would though.

As if to kill my hope before it's even fully formed, we see an angry Locke storming out of “his” house, slamming the door despite the fact that he's probably out of Ben's earshot.

Kate watches the display and asks Claire if she knows what it's about.

“Who knows. It's Locke.”

Why is Claire still on the show again?

Sawyer strolls up, commenting on how good the coffee smells. Claire offers to go and make him a cup. Right. That's why she's there.

We are now three minutes into the show. We've had breakfast and now coffee. I had no idea I was recapping The View.

Kate and Sawyer chat about her moving in with him and what her agenda might be since she's not willing to become Sawyer's new roomie. Did I tune into the right show?



(*Mugshot sidenote: For those who are interested in the REALLY trivial stuff, Kate's mug is a “Mainstays” mug. Mainstays is apparently an exclusive brand ofWal-Mart. Even so, I'm not taking any “Wal-Mart is Dharma” conspiracy bets.)

Ultimately, Kate tells him that she simply doesn't trust him and that's why she's not telling him her reasons for staying with the Locke group. She then shoos him off the porch.

First The View. Now The Waltons.

In her lawyer's amazingly soundproof car, Kate tries to convince him to take her in the back entrance.

Wait. That didn't come out right.

Kate wonders if they can use the back entrance.

Nope. That still sounds kinda dirty.

Kate's lawyer convinces her to go in the front entrance with her head held high.

Ok, I can use that.

Leaving the amazingly soundproof car, Kate is assaulted by paparazzi. I gotta say, I never expected to use the word “paparazzi” in a Lost recap.



This big guy yells something unintelligible (It kind of sounds like “We'll get you all” but that's really not much more than a guess) at her as she fights her way into the courthouse. I'm reasonably certain we'll be seeing him again.

In the courtroom, Kate enters a not guilty plea and the prosecutor argues successfully to keep “Who, me? A flight risk?” Kate in custody during the trial. Insert your own Chained Heat imagery here.

On the beach, Jin is trying to get Sun to choose a place for them to go in America. Albuquerque is too hot (I'm REALLY impressed that ESL student Jin is able to read "Albuquerque" and figure out that it's pronounced "Albakurkee"), New York is too crowded. Sun really wants to go back to Korea to have her baby. So she did the same math that I did way back in Season 3, figuring out that since she and Jin weren't on speaking terms at the time that Juliet estimated as the conception date, that the baby is not likely his. Her silence when he says "You mean our baby," speaks volumes. Fortunately for Sun, that moment is when Jack returns with Juliet, Charlotte and Faraday.

Faraday looks distinctly uncomfortable when Jack tells the group that the freighter crew can make arrangements to get all of them off the island. Sun asks about Kate and Jack looks distinctly uncomfortable when he tells her that Kate decided to stay with Locke.

Speaking of Kate and Locke, Kate is at his door, catching him cleaning up after he just choked his...er...killed a chicken.

Kate wants to talk to Miles. When Locke asks her why, she evades by saying "It's personal". Locke has a simple answer.

"No."

When she protests, he explains that his little operation is not a democracy, unlike Jack's version of island governance.

"Then, I guess that makes it a dictatorship."

"If I was a dictator, I would just shoot you and go about my day."

I'm gonna guess that Locke failed "Threat Veiling 101".

Kate, never one to be deterred by a death threat, finds Hurley as he is carrying a tray of food. Within about six seconds, she fools him into telling her that Miles is being held in the boathouse.

"You just totally Scooby-Do'ed me didn't you?"

Hurley's great, but Locke REALLY should know better than to give him secret responsibilities by now.

It turns out that Kate's reason for wanting to talk to Miles is personal. She wants to know if he knows about who she is and what she has done. Obviously, Kate thinks that at least some of Miles' reason for being on the island isn't the finding of Ben or Desmond. She seems to suspect that there is a deeper game at work here and as usual she's working towards covering her own pretty ass.

Miles makes her a deal. He'll tell her everything he knows about her as long as she finds a way for him to talk to Ben. Deals. That's what this episode is all about.

(*You probably already found this out by now sidenote: Eggtown (The title of the episode) is a word that used to be a term used by travelling salesmen in the Great Depression. An "eggtown"was a town or region that was so poor that no good deals could be made there. Often, travelling salesmen would trade goods for their stock, since cash wasn't always available. The hope was to be able to trade the goods further down the line for real money or at least something more valuable. No one would trade a travelling salesman for eggs since they might well be past edible, so taking eggs in trade for your stock was a bad deal that you would never be able to make pay.)

Taking a break from the pillow fights and mass showering that we all know go on in every women's prison, Kate has a sit down with her attorney. He has a strategy that he wants to use, since Kate's Mother is the prosecution's star witness. He wants to put Kate's son in the courtroom to generate sympathy for her case. She is having none of it.

(*Almost a week late sidenote:I know that I'm saying this LONG after the fact, but did ANYONE out there not assume that this "son" was going to be Aaron?)

Back on the beach, Jack is unable to reach the ship with the phone. Juliet facetiously suggests that they try another number, like 911. Jack gives her a look that every single man in the audience recognized immediately. It's the look that a man's face takes on as he bites his own tongue off for fear of never getting laid again.

We learn that it has been a whole day since Sayid left in the helicopter. Sun puts into words what many of them are thinking.

"What if Locke was right? What if these people are here to hurt us?"

"Locke has no idea what he's doing." Well, that may be true, Jack, but that doesn't really answer the question now does it?

Hanging laundry with Claire, as they casually discuss the captive Ben and Locke's weird cooking fetish, we learn that Kate isn't very good with babies. Plus, could you please shower and take Sawyer up on some different clothes before handling clean linen?

Back in the court room, Kate's lawyer has a surprise witness. It's Jack! Ok, not so much a surprise.

Jack's testimony is a fabric woven of more lies than I can count, including "facts" like the death of the U.S. Marshal who was escorting Kate before he and Jack could ever talk, Kate being the one to tell him that she was a prisoner and on and on and on...

It seems that between "today" on the island and "today" in the courtroom, there has been an awful lot of revisionist history.

Jack tells a story of Kate the hero, who pulled survivors from the water after a crash that left only eight people alive, saving lives with first aid, food gathering and general gosh-darned goody two-shoes-ism.

To paraphrase Rousseau, "Was he on the same island I've been watching?"

On cross examination the D.A., who has taken this case on herself rather than the normal practice of having an assistant D.A. prosecute the case, has only one question.

"Do you love the defendant?"

I have only one question for the D.A.. How the HELL did such a lame idiot become a lawyer, let alone a District Attorney? "Do you love the defendant?" Seriously? She might as well have asked him what he had for breakfast for all the relevance of the question. I'm sorry folks, but someone at the Lost recently renegotiated contract writing table should find themselves writing a resume instead of a television show.

Bizarrely, the lawyer for the defense objects! Slam! That's another writer getting booted out the door. Good grief!

Jack finally answers "No. Not anymore." Like anyone in the jury could possibly give a damn.

Back in Otherville, Hurley is trying to pick a movie. Choices are "Xanadu" or "Satan's Doom".

(*Cinematic sidenote: Hopefully the movie "Xanadu" has nothing to do with Lost, because it's about dancing and the Muses of Greek mythology who inspire artists. BUT. Xanadu is the name of the Chinese province where Khan establishes his pleasure garden in the poem "Kubla Khan, or, A Vision in a Dream, A Fragment". What "Satan's Doom" might have to do with the show might prove more interesting, but with a name like "Satan's Doom" I just can't see how. No entry on any movie database that I could find.)

Sawyer is reading.

(*Sawyer's book club sidenote: As usual, Sawyer's book pick is a Lost related piece of literature. "The invention of Morel" is by Adolfo Bioy Casares, takes place on an island, and involves mystery, suspense and some less than likely romance.)

As the movie starts, Kate arrives on Sawyer's doorstep. Hurley gives Sawyer a wink, but Sawyer chooses to ignore it and moves he and Kate into the kitchen. He offers her some of their special Dharma wine in a box and tells her flat out that he knows that she's there to get something from him, since she's already told him she didn't stay behind for him.

He's right. She wants his help to get Ben out of Locke's clutches.

Next thing we see, there's Sawyer on Locke's doorstep, backgammon board in hand. As they set up the board, Locke asks if Sawyer is worried about whether or not Locke knows what he's doing.

Um...Locke? Good leaders never ask their followers, not even the second in command, if they think they know what you're doing. That is a sure sign that you don't.

Sawyer reassures him that he would be more worried if he was still on the beach and that the rest of the group is following like sheep.

Except Kate. Sawyer tries to secure Locke's word not to harm her before warning the leader of Kate's intentions. Locke agrees and Sawyer spills her intention to try to get Ben free.

"Why?"

"She talked to that guy, Bruce Lee, from the freighter. The guy you've got locked up. He told her to bring Ben down for a chat."

"That's impossible. She doesn't even know where Miles is."

"What? The boat house down by the dock? If Hugo knows, everybody knows."

Locke grabs a gun and heads out at a run for the boathouse. At this point, if you weren't screaming "CON!!!" at your television, I vote you off the island.

Locke might have the coolest knife collection, but he's far from the sharpest one in the drawer. Naturally, when they arrive, Miles is gone.

Kate busts the window in Locke's door and brings Miles to the basement. Without hesitation, she shoots the lock off the door.

"You got one minute. Go."

"How 'bout some privacy?"

"Fifty-five seconds."

Miles figures he better make the best of what little time he has. The exchange between he and Ben is as interesting as it is puzzling.

"You know who I am?"

"Yes."

"You know who I work for?"

"Yes."

"And you know he's put a lot of time and energy into finding you. So now, I found you and I can tell him exactly where you are. Or I can lie and tell him you're already dead. I'd be willing to do that for three point two million dollars."

Kate's expression is as surprised as the rest of the audience. Ben says what we're all thinking:

"You've arranged this meeting so you could blackmail me?"

"It's extortion if you want to get technical."

"Three point two? Why not three point three or three point four?"

Miles and Ben share a look that says that more than money is on the line here.

"What makes you think that I have access to that kind of money?"

"Do not treat me like I'm one of them! Like I don't know who you are and what you can do."

"Your friend Charlotte has seen me. She knows I'm alive."

"I'll take care of Charlotte. You just worry about getting me the money. You have two days."

"My present situation is a little bit restricted. Can that be amended?"

"Okay, one week. In cash."

Both Miles and Ben seem pretty confident that Ben being locked in a tiny room, tied to a chair is only a minor inconvenience and that he will be able to handle the payoff without much trouble. That seems even weirder than the whole conversation. Another deal.

Kate pulls him bodily out of the little cell. She puts Miles up against the wall and demands that he prove that he knows about her and her past. Sure enough, he does, reciting the Kate rap sheet for murder and more.

Locke bursts in just as Miles is suggesting that maybe Kate's best bet is to stay on the island, rather than get rescued.

A while later, Kate is listening to "She's got you" when John comes a-knockin'. All he wants is to know what the two captives said to each other. She tells him and tries to apologize for her actions. Locke isn't in the forgiving mood. He banishes her from his little tribe.

In what looks like a conference room in the courthouse, Kate has a face to face with her Mother. Mamma Austin is obviously quite ill, and all she really wants is to see her grandson. She seems interested in trading her testimony for a chance to see him. Kate doesn't seem interested in the deal.

Why Kate would be so stubborn about such a simple deal is really quite puzzling.

Back in Otherville, Kate slides into Sawyer's room. We learn (as if it wasn't dead obvious already) that Sawyer actually helped her execute her plan. She tells him about her banishment and he valiantly "unbanishes" her. She stays the night. Fortunately for Sawyer, she seems to have taken my advice about the shower and clothes. Seems Kate's stayin' the night.

Over at the beach, Charlotte and Faraday are playing some three card monte, only it's not the usual con-man version. It seems she's quizzing him in a sort of timed memory test. He can only remember two of the three cards. Well, Naomi did call him a "head case". It seems that not all of Faraday's sandwiches came to the picnic.

Jack interrupts the little session, demanding to know why no one on the boat is answering. It's now been over a day since Sayid left on the 'copter.

"There is another number that we're only supposed to use in emergencies."

Juliet points out the obvious. "It's an emergency."

Jack, finally beginning to show a healthy suspicion of the whole situation tells Charlotte to put the call on the speaker.

Regina answers but wonders why Charlotte is using the emergency number. Charlotte tells her that Minkowski wasn't answering, and that the people on the island were concerned about their friends that left on the chopper. Regina seems genuinely confused about this. She thinks that the chopper is still on the island.

This would be really tension building and concerning, except for two things.

1) We know that Sayid gets off the island okay, so no crashy-splashy, obviously.
2) Despite a convincing performance by "Regina", we've already seen hints of some "the left hand doesn't know what the right hand is doing" on the boat, so even if she is telling the truth, it doesn't mean much.

In the boat house, Miles is now suspended from the ceiling rather than tied to a chair. Locke doesn't think this is sufficient punishment however. He has something more...evil in mind.

Without any explanation, he puts a grenade in Miles' mouth and pulls the pin.

(*I have a dirty mind side note: This gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "Please don't go off in my mouth.")

"I realize that when I tied you up in here the other day, I made the mistake of failing to introduce myself. My name is John Locke, and I'm responsible for the well being of this island. Eventually, Miles, you're going to tell me who you are, and you're going to tell me about the people on the boat, and you're going to tell me why you're so interested in Ben. In the meantime, however, you're going to keep your mouth shut. I learned something yesterday. No use having rules if there's no punishment for breaking them. Enjoy your breakfast."

Okay. Apparently, Locke is as fed up with being the Hatch-Wife as I am with watching it.

Over at Sawyer's house, Kate wakes him with some light "let's have morning sex" kisses. When he responds in kind, she pulls away. When he presses to finish what they started last night, she pushes him off her. I've said it before and I'll say it again. These two obviously need bear crap and fish biscuits to get in the mood.

Sawyer figures she's worried that she might be pregnant, but she assures him that's not the problem. He is naturally relieved.

"Would it have been the worst thing in the world?"

"Yes! Yes it would have been the worst thing!" You know, diapers, midnight feedings, having a baby on a deserted tropical island with no hospital in sight, not to mention death by pregnancy....

Sometimes, Kate is a total idiot.

Kate takes the opportunity to leave. Sawyer figures that within a week she'll find a reason to get pissed with Jack and end up right back in Sawyer's comfy bed. She slaps him in response. Obviously, he hit a little too close to the mark.

In the courtroom the idiot D.A., who has built her whole case on one woman's testimony, learns that her main witness (who she knew was in failing health) can't make it to court for medical reasons. She begs for time to get her case together. She should beg for a better script writer.

The judge grants a short recess and the D.A. has no choice but to offer Kate a deal. What? In what universe would a judge not grant the D.A. a week or more to give a star witness time for medical treatment? This is the worst written trial since O.J. and Judge Ito!

In the final deal, Kate gets time served plus ten years probation and can't leave the State at all during that time.

Kate's idiot lawyer actually starts to argue the travel restriction, but Kate interrupts and takes the deal.

"Give me something to sign and I'll sign it. Then I walk out the back door. I just...I just want this to be over." What is it with Kate and the back door?

"I can do that. Ten years probation and you stay put."

Worst District Attorney in the universe.

In the parking garage, Jack finds Kate as she's leaving. She thanks him for his testimony.

"You know Jack, I've heard you say that story so many times, I'm starting to think you believe it."

He tells her that what he said in there he didn't mean. Oooh, big surprise, he's still in love with her. She tries to get him to come by to visit, inferring a visit with her and her son. He tries to get her to go for coffee with him instead.

"I know why you don't want to see the baby, Jack. But until you do, until you want to, there's no 'you and me going for coffee'. But, um, if at any time you change your mind, come and see us."

I think we're supposed to infer that Sawyer is the father in this scene. I suppose that might be possible. There's always the chance that the next scene, the one with the "big" reveal of baby Aaron isn't what it seems. Perhaps Kate did have her own baby and named it after Aaron who never made it off the island.

Anything is possible.

Love and Rockets

Riddle me this.

How am I like a rocket?

Aside from the very obvious, I'm behind schedule.

So, here I am. Are you ready for my payload?


Our story returns to the screen this week with a shot of Sayid kneeling with his eyes closed. I'd say he's praying, but it seems more like meditation. While Jack, Juliet and Miles discuss the revelation that the rescue group is actually on the island in search of Ben, Sayid focuses on the corpse of Naomi across the clearing. After a few moments, Sayid strolls over to the body and tenderly closes the dead woman's eyes and covers her gently with the blanket. He notices a bracelet on her wrist that has an interior engraving.



Lost fans everywhere wrack their brains for a character with the initials “R.C.” to no avail.


Kate has joined the conversation, which has turned from the group's goal of locating Ben to their mutual problem of John Locke. It's interesting that Miles calls Locke their “mutual problem” when in fact, since he's out of the picture and it appears that the Jack Faction is poised for rescue, Locke is really only Miles's problem. Miles manipulates Jack into his old pattern of opposing Locke simply to oppose Locke. He's got prospective rescuers, a chopper, a telephone and a boat waiting to get them off the island. Realistically, he should leave Locke to his own devices and let Miles and his well equipped group do the rescuing. Of course, he doesn't.


Sayid, as usual points out the obvious. After verifying the helicopter is still capable of flying, he practically orders Frank to take him to his ship. When Jack starts to interrupt, Sayid states it flatly.


“We did call these people to get us off this island, didn't we?”


Frank assures him that the 'copter will indeed fly. He can take three people with him on the return run to the ship. Miles reminds Frank of the flip side of their little expedition.


“In case you zoned out while you were tweezing your goatee, one of these yahoos took Charlotte prisoner.”


Sayid, as usual, has the solution. “I can bring her back. Safely.”


Instead of offering unhelpful advice or bursting into tears at being left out, Jack simply watches the exchange.


“And if I do, you'll take me to the ship?”


Frank tells him, “Absolutely. You bring Charlotte back safe and I will take you off this island.”


On a course not built by Hurley, Sayid plays a solo round of golf. As he prepares for a fairway shot, a fellow golfer pulls up in a cart and offers him a ride to the next hole. Sayid declines and after a polite chat in which we learn that they are in the Seychelles (more islands!) the two men agree on a wager. Sayid will use his 7 iron, but the golfer he just met will use a 5. Sayid takes his shot and hits the green a respectable distance from the pin. As the unnamed gentleman lines up his shot, he asks what Sayid does. Sayid, it turns out, does nothing thanks to a large settlement from an airline crash he was in. When Sayid explains that he is one of the Oceanic Six, the man's confidence vanishes and he seems quite fearful. He is still able to place his ball closer to the pin, however.


He waves off the wager, seemingly uncomfortable taking his winnings from one of the Oceanic Six. Sayid really wants to make sure he gets what's coming to him, calling him by name. “I insist, Mr. Avellino.”


Before the gentleman can question how Sayid knows his name, out comes a gun and down goes Mr. Avellino.


(*Google obsessive sidenote: Nothing really interesting comes up about Avellino except that it is a town and a province in Italy. I found out that during casting the character was called “Dante” and Dante Avellino is an anagram for Naval Note Lied. Of course it's also an anagram for Naval Deletion, Neonatal Devil, All One Deviant, Dilate No Navel and Anal Idol Event, among a thousand others. I really need to lay off the anagrams)


Sayid leaves Mr. Avellino dead on the fairway and casually strolls away as the fairway sprinklers turn on.


Now dressed in a casual suit, Sayid looks for an open seat in a cafe. He finds one with an attractive blond woman who is sitting alone and asks, in German, if he can join her. She motions him to the seat and the two quickly determine that they both speak English.


The woman directs him to his destination and introduces herself. Elsa asks Sayid what he does and he responds that he's a headhunter. After the previous scene we get the sense that he is speaking rather more literally than he lets on. She works for an economist who works in emerging markets, but apparently she is only his personal shopper, at his beck and call by means of an antiquated looking pager. She leads a life of great leisure, since her employer only comes to Berlin once or twice a year, leaving her free to enjoy the luxury of long afternoon coffees when he is elsewhere. When she suggests that she recognizes Sayid, he agrees to tell her where she knows him from provided that they have dinner together. She circles a restaurant on his map, agrees to the date and leaves.


Walking down a snowy street, Sayid dials a not so antiquated looking phone, tells the voice on the other end that he's made contact, hangs up and throws the phone in a nearby trash can. As he walks away, he grabs some snow and seems to be washing the hand that held the phone. It's an odd enough thing to do that I'm certain we are meant to note it.


(*Cultural sidenote: Muslim culture dictates that a person eats with their right hand and wipes after an Anal Idol Event with their left, never the reverse. While it seems from this shot that Sayid is left handed, I wonder if perhaps the hand washing indicates some distaste for the voice on the other end of the phone and thus the symbolic use of his left hand.)


Back in the clearing, Sayid is rummaging through Naomi's pack and finds the picture of Desmond and Penny. He shows it to Jack and Juliet, prompting Jack to ask how long it would take to run back to the beach and fetch Desmond. Kate seems ready to do Jack's bidding but while he wasn't looking at either her or Juliet when he spoke, he focuses on Juliet and asks her if she minds taking the assignment. Kate says nothing, but we all know she's just aching for another round of foxy boxing with the blond. We just have to wait for some rain. Preferably in daylight this time.


That chore taken care of, Jack turns his attention to Sayid and what sort of plan the Iraqi has in mind. Sayid reminds him that the last time Jack confronted Locke, he pointed a gun at him and pulled the trigger. To avoid further bloodshed, Sayid wants to handle this without Jack. He doesn't seem to object when Miles demands to come along with him. Funny, he seemed to be suggesting he could take care of the rescue alone, but Miles joining him doesn't faze him at all. Hmm...


While he doesn't mind him coming along, Sayid ignores Miles' demand to get his gun back.

Out in the jungle, Sawyer is wondering why they don't blow Ben's piggies off and get the information about who his man on the boat was that way, rather than dragging him all through the jungle as they are. Locke points out the obvious, that without piggies, they'd have to carry piggiless Ben. Probably by piggyback.

Of course, Locke suggests that the only thing keeping Ben alive is that information, so if Sawyer gets the name out of Ben by de-piggying him, one more bullet would solve the "Who's carrying Ben?" problem.

After a while, Locke finds the line of ash or sand or whatever the hell it is that he found on his last visit to Jacob's cabin. Only this time, no cabin. Hurley wonders if perhaps they got turned around in the jungle. Of course we know that Hurley encountered the wandering cabin in a different area in the jungle, so that makes his question reasonable, but Locke doesn't know about Hurley's encounter with the fleet footed shanty, so he insists that the cabin should be right where they are. When he realizes that no amount of protest will make the cabin appear where it should be, he covers by suggesting that it isn't important after all.

Locke pushes the group onward, but before he can get them all moving, the subject of possibly giving Charlotte up to Jack's group comes up. Hurley figures that it might be best to let her go as a sign of good faith rather than keeping her as a hostage, but Locke chooses to use this difference of opinion to assert his authority. He gets in Hurley's face and reminds him that he is making the decisions now, not Hurley.

Back at Copter Clearing, Kate ribs Jack about how much it sucks being told not to come along, as she so often does.

"Does that mean I should wait twenty minutes and go anyway?"

Jack then surprises her by suggesting that she should go with Sayid and Miles.

"Don't you trust Sayid?"

"I don't trust Locke."

When Kate wonders what would keep Locke from putting a knife in her back, Jack has her answer.

"Sawyer won't let him."

Kate joins the little posse, waving her gun above her head as she asks to go along. Miles really loves that.

"Oh, yeah. She gets a gun."

Sayid reminds her that the gun is a last resort.

"You give Locke that same speech?"

As they leave, Frank asks Jack about Sayid and where he's from. When he hears that Sayid is from Iraq, he asks if perhaps since Sayid is going to work everything out between the two groups had he been a diplomat before crashing on the island.

"No. No, he was a torturer."

I hope Locke's got piggy insurance.

As the little cadre treks through the jungle, Sayid questions Miles about his group. Aside from thinking that the rapidly cooling Naomi had once been hot and had a dig-able accent, the newcomer seems less than attached to his crew, leading Sayid to comment, "So much for camaraderie."

"Gee, who's the one going after one of their crash-buddies with guns?"

Miles asks Sayid just what it was that let Locke split the happy camp in half.

After a quick bit of eye-speak with Kate, Sayid gives him the sanitized version.

"There was a fundamental debate as to whether your group was coming to rescue us, or kill us."

"And which side did you land on?"

"I'll let you know when I decide."



Sayid and his ridiculously coiffed hair show up at Elsa's door to let her take them to the opera. I assume he brought an extra ticket for his do.

(*Unbelievably poofy hair sidenote: Has anyone out there ever owned a "troll doll"? You know, the little dolls with the blue hair? Have you ever brushed that hair until it all stops sticking straight up? If you then dyed your troll doll's hair black, you would have the new "Flash Forward Sayid Action Figure".)

Elsa decides that tonight is the night that she will leave the economists pager at home and go out with her man and truly relax. Sayid takes the pager and carries it for her, not wanting her to lose her job because of him. He can probably also rig the pager to shock his hair into submission if it gets out of hand.

Sayid comments that the pager is technologically out of date, but her boss is old fashioned and obviously not enamoured by new technology. She asks if Sayid has a boss.

"Everyone has a boss, Elsa."

Now, who could possibly boss Sayid around?

She also wonders why Sayid is still in Berlin, long after his original date of departure has passed. He tells her that it's because his job is proving more difficult than he anticipated. She had hoped that it was because of her.

Of course, he can't tell her that she's right.

Back in Copter Clearing, Faraday pulls some equipment from the copter and starts setting it up. He borrows Frank's phone to call Regina on the boat to get her help with an experiment. As he hands him the phone, Frank admonishes him to hang up immediately if Minkowski gets on the phone.

Now, that's just plain odd. Is there some sort of Locke/Jack schism on the boat? Maybe Frank has good reason not to trust Minkowski? The other way 'round?

Faraday sets the phone by the equipment after contacting Regina on the boat and after pressing a button or two, he tells her to "Fire the payload."

Jack is naturally concerned, but Frank reassures him that the guy does this stuff on the boat all the time.

Regina counts down the distance to the beacon as Faraday watches the horizon for the incoming payload. He seems to be watching towards the nose of the helicopter (we'll call that North for the purpose of this little experiment) but even after the payload is zero kilometers from the beacon, nothing appears from any direction.

"Regina? I don't have it."

"That's weird."

"That is far more than weird."

The little peace mission arrives at the Other's Barracks, but it still seems deserted. The camera focuses longer than necessary on the swing sets and the incongruity of the play structures even catches Miles' eye. "What's with the swing set. These people had day care?"

"Had." Not "Have," but "Had." It seems obvious that Miles is aware of some of what happened here and knows that this little place is abandoned.

The little band scout around until they hear a noise. They go all S.W.A.T. into the house and bust in the closet where the noise is coming from. It's...Hurley!



Once they get the big guy out of the closet and onto the couch, he starts talking faster than my transcription can handle.

"Locke's gone off the reservation, man. I mean he took this one chick hostage, he said Walt was the one that told him to kill this other chick..."

"Walt?"

"Dude. Don't ask. I was like, just trying to argue with him, so he would just like, you know, chill..."

Miles butts in. "How 'bout you stop babbling, just tell us what happened to them. Where are they?"

"Who are you?"

"Where the hell did they go, Tubby?"

"Oh, awesome. The ship sent us another Sawyer."

After determining that Locke's group tied Hurley up and left as a unit, Hurley reveals why they left in such a hurry.

"Locke said that the people on the ship were here to rescue Charlotte and then...kill us! So...are you?

Miles has a very Sayid-like response. "Not yet."

They then learn that the group went by Ben's house before leaving.

Back in Copter Clearing, Jack has a very serious question for Frank.

"Did the Red Sox really win the series?"

"Don't get me started on that. All right? My Dad's from the Bronx. I bleed Yankee Blue."

"I can't believe it's been a hundred days since I've seen a game."

As if to punctuate the fact that Jack might just be WAY off on his hundred day calculation, the payload chooses that moment to appear in the sky, from the (arbitrary for this situation only) South, surprising Faraday both by the time it took and apparently the direction it arrived from.

When he examines the rocket, the clock it carries is almost exactly 31 minutes ahead of the one he is carrying. Let the rampant time travel/time displacement/phase shifting speculation begin. As I see it, there are only three possible explanations for this difference aside from the obvious malfunctioning clock scenario.

1) Time Travel. The island is somehow 31 minutes behind "real time" and thus the clock is simply wrong on the island.
2) Time Displacement. Somehow, time runs slower on the island, so a 30 second rocket flight takes 31 minutes. A quick calculation tells me that if that's the case (one second is approximately one minute in the outside world), then Jack's 100 days is more like 16.43 YEARS.
3) Phase Shifting. Somehow it takes 31 minutes or so to travel through whatever portal links the island to the real world. I doubt this since it's unlikely that rocket carried that much fuel.

We also don't really know how long it's been since the payload was supposed to arrive and this moment, so there may be some other factors in play.

Whatever the actual scenario, I can safely say that my season one "Island in a Bottle" idea is still in play. Perhaps not a real glass bottle, but one made of Time or Electro-Magnetism or even something more exotic is still a real probability.

(Theory sidenote:I made a bunch of predictions way back then and posted them on my blog for posterity. I don't mind being wrong but I hate the idea of someone saying "you never said that" when I did. Now, Locke didn't go native and join the Others like I predicted, but he's come pretty close. If only we could learn that Rose and Bernard are the worst human beings on the island, 4 of my 5 theories would still be viable... (Theories are on my blog in the May 2006 archive - unaltered, honest.))

At that moment, Juliet returns with Desmond in tow.

Back in Othertown, Sayid's little group enters Ben's house in search of a clue where Locke might have gone. Kate heads for the bedroom (I love that about her) but finds nothing, despite a very dramatic closet opening. Sayid has more luck, finding grooves on the floor that indicate a book case gets moved on a pivot regularly.

He opens the secret passage (Is anyone at all surprised that Ben has a secret passage in his house?) which leads to what looks like an office. In the desk drawer, he finds wads of cash and a bunch of passports. One of the passports carries the name Dean Moriarty.



(*Literary sidenote: In Jack Kerouac's "On the Road" Dean Moriarty is a "holy con-man with the shining mind". Meeting him is the catalyst for the protagonist's adventures on the road. Yeah, that fits. Also, James Moriarty, the famous professor who was Sherlock Holmes' main antagonist comes to mind. He was an evil genius, pulling the criminal strings of the web of London's underworld, Holmes referred to him as "The Napoleon of Crime." He was also an eminent and respected scientist in Arthur Conan Doyle's Holmesian reality. )

In the bedroom, Kate is under the bed. She doesn't find anything and is about to get up when a pair of boots walks into the room. It's Sawyer. His hair's more poofy than normal too. Despite his motion for silence, she yells for Sayid.




Sayid comes running, but winds up face to face with Locke and a gun. He assures him that Kate is safe and congratulates Hugo on a job well done.

"Sorry, dude."


Rousseau and Hurley take their prisoner to his holding area. On the way, Sayid, always the interrogator, asks where Locke is. Hurley tells him Locke is talking to "that angry Chinese guy." When he notices how far back Hurley is walking, Sayid tries to reassure the big guy.

"I'm not going to hurt you, Hurley."

"Yeah, I saw you snap that guy's neck with that breakdancing thing you do with your legs. I think I'll hang back here."

I think after Lost goes off the air, they should spin off "Hugo, Miles and the Wacky Iraqi" as a sitcom.

They lock Sayid in with Ben. As usual, they forgot to gag him.

"I lost a dollar, you know."

"How'd you manage that?"

"I bet John that you wouldn't be stupid enough to fall for your friend as bait."

"What do you know about friendship?"

"I know it's no use having friends you can't trust."

That Ben. He's been re-reading his copy of "How to Win Friends and Influence People" again. Dale Carnegie would be so proud.

Kate and Sawyer are alone in the bedroom. Oddly, their clothes are still on. Most people prefer champagne and strawberries, but apparently these two need bear crap and fish biscuits to set the mood.



Instead of ripping each others clothes off and putting Ben's medical bed to a more creative use, Kate and Sawyer have a chat. It must not be sweeps week.

"So, what? I'm your prisoner?'

"If that sort of thing turns you on."

Ok, I admit, I could have been wrong. Maybe it is sweeps week.

"What are you doin' here with Locke?" Nope. Definitely not sweeps.

We learn that Sawyer isn't interested in leaving the island. Ben seems to have gotten to him with last week's "You're a big fish on the small island but in the real world you're just a slimy guppy" speech. He reminds Kate that a jail cell is waiting for her back in the real world too, but here on the island they have all they need to exist happily.

"How long, Sawyer? How long do you think we can play house?"

"Why don't we find out?"

In the improvised prison, Locke brings Sayid some iced tea. He ignores Ben's "I'm thirsty," and offers the drink only to Sayid. He apologises for the ruse and he assures Sayid that they're safe. Kate is with Sawyer and Miles is "somewhere else". I'm betting he's tied to that big old pillar that they tied Locke's kidney stealing father to.

Sayid suggests that Locke let him take Charlotte back with him to complete his deal with Frank. That will let him get to the boat and try to find out who they are and what they really want. Locke reveals Ben's claim that he has a spy on the boat, which is obviously why he staged this little chat in front of Ben in the first place.

"Who?"

"It's a secret."

"Forgive me, but the day I start trusting him is the day is the day I would have sold my soul."

(*Awkward phrasing sidenote: A normal way of saying what he said wouldn't have mixed tenses so oddly. Now, English isn't his first language so it's not out of the question that the writers chose this moment to show his trouble with the language, but more likely the awkward phrasing is a clue. I think he's already made a deal with Ben here. Otherwise he would have said "The day I start trusting him is the day I sell my soul." He's already sold it.)

Sayid agrees with John that the so-called rescuers are lying and that more is going on than they know. He's hoping John will let him have Charlotte so he can try to find out what really is going on.

"Why would I give you Charlotte for nothing?"

"Oh, I think you misunderstood me. I never expected you to give her to me for nothing."

I think when he quits the torture game, Sayid has a promising career in diplomacy after all.

Speaking of promising futures, Sayid and Elsa are in an obviously well used bed. As new lovers often do, they take their time getting out of it, procrastinating as they bask in the afterglow. Elsa brings up his job and how little she knows about him. She uses the "L" word...no not that one. "Love."

After a moment's hesitation he says "No more secrets. What do you want to know?"

The antiquated pager naturally goes off just then, saving him from telling her the awkward truth that he manufactured their "accidental" meeting and probably a few other awkward truths as well.

She jumps out of bed and explains that she has to leave immediately.

As she dresses, Sayid seems to make a decision.

"Elsa? You have to leave Berlin."

When she asks why he would suggest that, he tells her "People will be asking questions soon, about what happened to your employer."

That stops her in her tracks.

"And you can't be around to answer them."

"My employer? This is about my boss?"

She puts together those awkward truths I mentioned and further deduces that Sayid is there to kill the economist.

The man you are working for is not an economist."

As he says this, Elsa turns and shoots him in the shoulder. It seems that the player has been played. She gets on the phone and tells the voice on the other end "You were supposed to page me at 10:30."

(*Subtitle sidenote: I love subtitles. So much easier to transcribe than the spoken word.)

"No, I didn't kill him. He's not going to give up the name now. Why should I keep him alive? No he had no idea."

While this one sided conversation goes on, Sayid eyes his own weapon, just out of reach on the chair beside the bed. Obviously Elsa is unaware that he was packin' heat.

"Alright, alright. I'll bring him to you. Leave the hotel. I'll meet you at the safe house."

No Elsa, you won't. Just like the other pretty blond in his life, Elsa dies from gunshot wounds to the stomach. Unlike Shannon, Sayid is directly responsible this time. He closes her eyes tenderly, much like his moment with Naomi and much like Naomi, Elsa sports a familiar looking bracelet.

Back in Copter Clearing, Desmond is pressing Frank for information about the picture of Des and Penny that Naomi was carrying. Frank professes not to be in the "Senior management" loop, but Desmond isn't convinced.

"You look me right in the eye and tell me you've never heard of Penelope Widmore."

Frank doesn't. Instead he engages in some eye-speak with Faraday.

"Fine. You don't want to tell me the truth? I'll find someone who will. See, when that," he points angrily to the 'copter,"Takes off, I'm on it."

Right then, Sayid traipses over the ridge, Charlotte in tow. No one else is with him.

Jack learns that Kate "Decided to stay."

Frank is more concerned with his own team.

"What happened to Miles?"

"I traded him."

"Traded him?"

"I promised you Charlotte and here she is."

"You cheated."

"Did I?"

"Yes, you did. Lucky for you, that guy's nuthin' but a pain in my ass."

Frank gathers his passengers for the return trip. Charlotte and Faraday both elect to stay on the island. Faraday warns Frank, strenuously, not to deviate at all from the bearing they took on their way in. No matter what.

"Roger that."

Jack hands Sayid a rifle (wouldn't a handgun be more useful and a bit...subtler?) and tells him to be careful.

"I don't have to talk you out of coming?"

"As much as I like helicopter rides, I think you have this one under control."

As he heads to the helicopter, he reminds Frank that he said he could take three. Along with himself and Desmond, he suggests that they take Naomi home. Frank agrees.

They load into the chopper and head for the boat. Pretty island. Nice music. Very "Last scene in Jurassic Park".

At what looks like a Veterinarian's office, Sayid and his bullet wound stumble in. A familiar (although I think that the powers that be didn't want us to recognize it right away based on what sounds like an attempt by the actor to disguise it a bit) voice instructs him to remove his shirt. As he sits down to have his shoulder tended to, the voice asks a question.

"Is she dead?"

"Yes."

"Why didn't she kill you?"

"She was trying to get information from me."

"What sort of information?"

"She wanted to know who I worked for. She wanted to know about you."

"Of course she did."

It's Ben! Ok, so we already recognized his voice, but I'll give the producers the exclamation mark anyway. It was a good try. The last few seconds of the show stand nicely on their own with no further commentary from yours truly.

"Why are you crying? Because it hurts or because you were stupid enough to care for her? These people don't deserve our sympathies.. Need I remind you what they did the last time you thought with your heart instead of your gun."

"You used that to recruit me into killing for you."

"Do you want to protect your friends or not, Sayid? I have another name for you."

"But they know I'm after them now."

"Good."